Because of our fear of love...

Summary

According to Ira J. Tanner, in “Loneliness” in Harper & Row, Publisher, Inc., 1973, p 1-20, “we are lonely because of our fear of love” (p.3), and it is born and accelerated in childhood through communication within parents (p.4-11).
Tanner argue that “no one escapes loneliness, because feelings of inferiority, based upon a fear of love, are a basic condition of childhood” (1973, p4). Loneliness has its beginning in this childhood, between the ages of one and three, when child try to reach out for love (Tanner, 1973, p2). According to Tanner, however, when it is not rewarded, “the child does not understand intellectually the reasons for the lack of response” (1973, p3) even though parents can not pay attention to him or her with other reasons (1973, p3). The author point out that “the child can interpret this lack of response is to doubt his own self worth concluding that there must be something about him that is unlovable” (Tanner, 1973, p3-4). It means, according to Tanner, “he is discovering that whenever he reaches out for love there is risk; sometimes the response meets his needs, at other times it is woefully inadequate” (1973, p4). Tanner said, therefore, “The less we are willing to risk, the more lonely we become” (1973, p14).
Through communication with parents, this tendency is accentuated. According to Tanner, “As child grow older, asks more questions, and expresses his individuality in the form of adventure, inquisitiveness, curiosity, and spontaneity, adults unwittingly apply value judgment apply value judgments to what he expresses” (1973, p4). Tanner said “It isn’t surprising that these judgments gradually lead the child to conclude that his person has two sides - a good and a bad side, or a weak side and strong side” (1973, p.6). So Tanner mentioned “he concludes that if he is to remain in the good graces of his parents and not be cut off from their love, he will have to try to abandon his “bad’ or “weak” side” (1973, p6). According to author, in other words, “The natural flowing manner in which he would spontaneously respond to outside stimuli gradually gives way to the manner in which he feels he should and must respond if he is to keep the love of his parents” (Tanner, 1973, p7) Tanner conclude that “he loses his own central valuing system” and it make his loneliness more worse. (Tanner, 1973, p7)
In conclusion, according to Tanner child become to learn there is always risk with loving keeping to doubt he is not lovable, and it is accentuated through communication with his parents (1973, p1-20).

Critique

Tanner’s argument, “loneliness result from fear of love” is interesting and reasonable. His opinion, loneliness results from childhood event, is based on the fact that communication mechanism which is built up during young age repeated again and again in rest of our life. The author’s observation to read and to follow children mental process is sharp and brilliant; however it is not creative, because the foundation is Dr. Fraud’s theory, all of mental phenomenon result from childhood trauma. Also he should have explained relation between fear of love and loneliness more specifically. It should be attached that Child is easy to avoid taking a risk in relationship and it make him hesitate to show his love to somebody. In addition, “fear of love” is not enough to mean fear of possibility love is rejected, because simple “fear of love” does not contain to doubt one’s own worth. However Tanner’s point of view, loneliness is self protection process to prevent to take a risk is persuasive.