3. How we escape responsibility for our loneliness

Summary
According to Ira J. Tanner, in “Loneliness” in Harper & Row, Publisher, Inc., 1973, p34-51, “we attempt to escape the responsibility for our fear of love” (p34) “to justify our bitterness and fear by playing the role of victim” (p35) and to solve this problem, “beginning by taking small risks at first” (p37) is best way.
Tanner said we try to regard ourselves as victims when reaching out other people’s love and failing to get their responds (1973, p34). According to Tanner, it means that “As victims, we are unwilling to take the responsibility for our decisions, feeling, and behavior” (1973, p35). The author attributes the cause of this tendency to our idea to justify bitterness and fear that we would feel (Tanner, 1973, p35). By justifying our emotion, according to the author, we can “blame others for our hurts” (Tanner, 1973, P35) and it “enables us to do something about them” (Tanner, 1973, p34). Also, Tanner attach it is possible to continue through life in much the same fashion (1973, p 34).
The author suggests “beginning with small risks” as solution for this (Tanner, 1973, p37). According to Tanner, “If we begin with big ones, and if things go wrong, we may not be able to assume responsibility for the painful reaction” (1973, p37). Tanner said, however, if we allow ourselves to take a small risk and “start the safest and most responsible way to begin to express our feelings” (1973, p38), we can take the next step. (1973, p38) And Tanner conclude we could be “in the position of being more responsible for all of our feelings; trusting them more and consequently being less afraid of love” (1973, p39)
In conclusion, Tanner argues that we tend to victimize ourselves in relationship with others, because we want to evade responsibility for our fear of love (1973, 31-37). However beginning by taking small risks carry us over this, he said (Tanner, 1973, p37-51)

Critique
Tanner’s explanation is easy to understand. First, he gives appropriate example for his arguments. When he explains to overcome avoiding responsibility, he shows one of his patients’ cases, and analyzes it step by step. On every step for his patient to express his emotion to others, Tanner try to explain the reason for he to choose that method and change of his confidence. Also, he is likely to use common example, but he suggest different aspect of it. For instance, when he mentioned “the most popular games of childhood such as “if it weren’t for you,” (Tanner, 1973, p34) “see what you made me do,” (Tanner, 1973, p34) and “it’s all your fault” (Tanner, 1973, p34) His sharp eyes pointed out that all these games “place the responsibility for hurt, fear, or mistakes out there” (Tanner, 1973, p34). It makes us understand the secret mechanism of our emotion through observing common examples we already know and repeat all the time.
However, the only problem this chapter has is there is no unity in this part. When we see the title “how we escape responsibility for our loneliness” we can only expect contents of this chapter is what kind the responsibility is and why we escape it, but he conclude the result for this so fast and attached “several of the myths about loneliness,” (Tanner, 1973, p43) which has nothing to do with previous contents. It is very important part in his whole book; however, this cannot be a good reason enough to get rid of the doubt why it should be placed in this chapter.
In conclusion, he explain the mechanism of avoiding responsibility for fear of love with specific and appropriate examples, but some part spoiled the unity of this chapter.