Summary
According to Ira J. Tanner, in “Loneliness” in Harper & Row, Publisher, Inc., 1973, p34-51, “we attempt to escape the responsibility for our fear of love” (p34) “to justify our bitterness and fear by playing the role of victim” (p35) and to solve this problem, “beginning by taking small risks at first” (p37) is best way.
Tanner said we try to regard ourselves as victims when reaching out other people’s love and failing to get their responds (1973, p34). According to Tanner, it means that “As victims, we are unwilling to take the responsibility for our decisions, feeling, and behavior” (1973, p35). The author attributes the cause of this tendency to our idea to justify bitterness and fear that we would feel (Tanner, 1973, p35). By justifying our emotion, according to the author, we can “blame others for our hurts” (Tanner, 1973, P35) and it “enables us to do something about them” (Tanner, 1973, p34). Also, Tanner attach it is possible to continue through life in much the same fashion (1973, p 34).
The author suggests “beginning with small risks” as solution for this (Tanner, 1973, p37). According to Tanner, “If we begin with big ones, and if things go wrong, we may not be able to assume responsibility for the painful reaction” (1973, p37). Tanner said, however, if we allow ourselves to take a small risk and “start the safest and most responsible way to begin to express our feelings” (1973, p38), we can take the next step. (1973, p38) And Tanner conclude we could be “in the position of being more responsible for all of our feelings; trusting them more and consequently being less afraid of love” (1973, p39)
In conclusion, Tanner argues that we tend to victimize ourselves in relationship with others, because we want to evade responsibility for our fear of love (1973, 31-37). However beginning by taking small risks carry us over this, he said (Tanner, 1973, p37-51)
Critique
Tanner’s explanation is easy to understand. First, he gives appropriate example for his arguments. When he explains to overcome avoiding responsibility, he shows one of his patients’ cases, and analyzes it step by step. On every step for his patient to express his emotion to others, Tanner try to explain the reason for he to choose that method and change of his confidence. Also, he is likely to use common example, but he suggest different aspect of it. For instance, when he mentioned “the most popular games of childhood such as “if it weren’t for you,” (Tanner, 1973, p34) “see what you made me do,” (Tanner, 1973, p34) and “it’s all your fault” (Tanner, 1973, p34) His sharp eyes pointed out that all these games “place the responsibility for hurt, fear, or mistakes out there” (Tanner, 1973, p34). It makes us understand the secret mechanism of our emotion through observing common examples we already know and repeat all the time.
However, the only problem this chapter has is there is no unity in this part. When we see the title “how we escape responsibility for our loneliness” we can only expect contents of this chapter is what kind the responsibility is and why we escape it, but he conclude the result for this so fast and attached “several of the myths about loneliness,” (Tanner, 1973, p43) which has nothing to do with previous contents. It is very important part in his whole book; however, this cannot be a good reason enough to get rid of the doubt why it should be placed in this chapter.
In conclusion, he explain the mechanism of avoiding responsibility for fear of love with specific and appropriate examples, but some part spoiled the unity of this chapter.
Monday, October 8, 2007
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Because of our fear of love...
Summary
According to Ira J. Tanner, in “Loneliness” in Harper & Row, Publisher, Inc., 1973, p 1-20, “we are lonely because of our fear of love” (p.3), and it is born and accelerated in childhood through communication within parents (p.4-11).
Tanner argue that “no one escapes loneliness, because feelings of inferiority, based upon a fear of love, are a basic condition of childhood” (1973, p4). Loneliness has its beginning in this childhood, between the ages of one and three, when child try to reach out for love (Tanner, 1973, p2). According to Tanner, however, when it is not rewarded, “the child does not understand intellectually the reasons for the lack of response” (1973, p3) even though parents can not pay attention to him or her with other reasons (1973, p3). The author point out that “the child can interpret this lack of response is to doubt his own self worth concluding that there must be something about him that is unlovable” (Tanner, 1973, p3-4). It means, according to Tanner, “he is discovering that whenever he reaches out for love there is risk; sometimes the response meets his needs, at other times it is woefully inadequate” (1973, p4). Tanner said, therefore, “The less we are willing to risk, the more lonely we become” (1973, p14).
Through communication with parents, this tendency is accentuated. According to Tanner, “As child grow older, asks more questions, and expresses his individuality in the form of adventure, inquisitiveness, curiosity, and spontaneity, adults unwittingly apply value judgment apply value judgments to what he expresses” (1973, p4). Tanner said “It isn’t surprising that these judgments gradually lead the child to conclude that his person has two sides - a good and a bad side, or a weak side and strong side” (1973, p.6). So Tanner mentioned “he concludes that if he is to remain in the good graces of his parents and not be cut off from their love, he will have to try to abandon his “bad’ or “weak” side” (1973, p6). According to author, in other words, “The natural flowing manner in which he would spontaneously respond to outside stimuli gradually gives way to the manner in which he feels he should and must respond if he is to keep the love of his parents” (Tanner, 1973, p7) Tanner conclude that “he loses his own central valuing system” and it make his loneliness more worse. (Tanner, 1973, p7)
In conclusion, according to Tanner child become to learn there is always risk with loving keeping to doubt he is not lovable, and it is accentuated through communication with his parents (1973, p1-20).
Critique
Tanner’s argument, “loneliness result from fear of love” is interesting and reasonable. His opinion, loneliness results from childhood event, is based on the fact that communication mechanism which is built up during young age repeated again and again in rest of our life. The author’s observation to read and to follow children mental process is sharp and brilliant; however it is not creative, because the foundation is Dr. Fraud’s theory, all of mental phenomenon result from childhood trauma. Also he should have explained relation between fear of love and loneliness more specifically. It should be attached that Child is easy to avoid taking a risk in relationship and it make him hesitate to show his love to somebody. In addition, “fear of love” is not enough to mean fear of possibility love is rejected, because simple “fear of love” does not contain to doubt one’s own worth. However Tanner’s point of view, loneliness is self protection process to prevent to take a risk is persuasive.
According to Ira J. Tanner, in “Loneliness” in Harper & Row, Publisher, Inc., 1973, p 1-20, “we are lonely because of our fear of love” (p.3), and it is born and accelerated in childhood through communication within parents (p.4-11).
Tanner argue that “no one escapes loneliness, because feelings of inferiority, based upon a fear of love, are a basic condition of childhood” (1973, p4). Loneliness has its beginning in this childhood, between the ages of one and three, when child try to reach out for love (Tanner, 1973, p2). According to Tanner, however, when it is not rewarded, “the child does not understand intellectually the reasons for the lack of response” (1973, p3) even though parents can not pay attention to him or her with other reasons (1973, p3). The author point out that “the child can interpret this lack of response is to doubt his own self worth concluding that there must be something about him that is unlovable” (Tanner, 1973, p3-4). It means, according to Tanner, “he is discovering that whenever he reaches out for love there is risk; sometimes the response meets his needs, at other times it is woefully inadequate” (1973, p4). Tanner said, therefore, “The less we are willing to risk, the more lonely we become” (1973, p14).
Through communication with parents, this tendency is accentuated. According to Tanner, “As child grow older, asks more questions, and expresses his individuality in the form of adventure, inquisitiveness, curiosity, and spontaneity, adults unwittingly apply value judgment apply value judgments to what he expresses” (1973, p4). Tanner said “It isn’t surprising that these judgments gradually lead the child to conclude that his person has two sides - a good and a bad side, or a weak side and strong side” (1973, p.6). So Tanner mentioned “he concludes that if he is to remain in the good graces of his parents and not be cut off from their love, he will have to try to abandon his “bad’ or “weak” side” (1973, p6). According to author, in other words, “The natural flowing manner in which he would spontaneously respond to outside stimuli gradually gives way to the manner in which he feels he should and must respond if he is to keep the love of his parents” (Tanner, 1973, p7) Tanner conclude that “he loses his own central valuing system” and it make his loneliness more worse. (Tanner, 1973, p7)
In conclusion, according to Tanner child become to learn there is always risk with loving keeping to doubt he is not lovable, and it is accentuated through communication with his parents (1973, p1-20).
Critique
Tanner’s argument, “loneliness result from fear of love” is interesting and reasonable. His opinion, loneliness results from childhood event, is based on the fact that communication mechanism which is built up during young age repeated again and again in rest of our life. The author’s observation to read and to follow children mental process is sharp and brilliant; however it is not creative, because the foundation is Dr. Fraud’s theory, all of mental phenomenon result from childhood trauma. Also he should have explained relation between fear of love and loneliness more specifically. It should be attached that Child is easy to avoid taking a risk in relationship and it make him hesitate to show his love to somebody. In addition, “fear of love” is not enough to mean fear of possibility love is rejected, because simple “fear of love” does not contain to doubt one’s own worth. However Tanner’s point of view, loneliness is self protection process to prevent to take a risk is persuasive.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
